Private Happiness?

God has used John Piper again... Well, let me back up. I was rereading a child rearing book, Don't Make Me Count to Three, and decided to jolt down some scripture for reference. In her third chapter she touches on 1 Cor 13 "Love is not rude". Wow, how have I forgotten this simple phrase is in scripture? I try to teach Charis this, but I should be taking her to God's Holy Word that doesn't come back void. As I read this section of 1 Cor 13, I was thinking "hmm, yes this is good for Charis...then I got to "it is not irritable or resentful". There were the four large ugly fingers pointing back to me. No, not this again! Once again I am confronted with my impatience and anger ...ultimately my sinfulness. Yuck. I hate my yuck. I reread the passage looking at my own heart. God's Holy Word doing what it promises - piercing like a sword. Then I remembered John Pipers blogs title "Love is patience" that had come up on my blog list several days back. I hadn't been able to read yet. I ran downstairs and grab technology. I open the browser:

"...Selfishness is the real archenemy of love:

Selfishness seeks its own private happiness at the expense of others. Love seeks its happiness in the happiness of the beloved. It will even suffer and die for the beloved in order that its joy might be full in the life the purity of the beloved (John Piper, Desiring God, 206-207).

Love is patient because patience is a dying to selfishness"

Then the Holy Spirit brings it all together in my heart. My irritability is because I want my own private happiness. The Holy Spirit reminds me of His recent revealing of my desperate need for a servant's heart. Being a wife and mother doesn't feel glorious lots of times, and I find myself grasping for my private happiness. This can be as insignificant as wanting dishes to be done. I find myself easily irritated when I am "interrupted". Being interrupted from completing my to dos or finishing a task as simple as hanging up the laundry is an assault at my private happiness. I don't like it. I find myself sadly uncompassionate when my tender baby is crying at my feet to be picked up or my sweet girl wants me to fix a bow in her hair that fell out AGAIN... but I. WANT. to. finish. MY. task. . . . just this once. If I desire to have a servants heart, I must give up even this idea of private happiness. My joy must be in doing the will of God instead of my own little will. Right now it is a fact that His will is serving with Love, 1 Cor 13 LOVE, my husband and my children. It means not being irritated when my plans are interrupted, my task is unfinished, my needs including sleep aren't met, when everything isn't just as I WANT.... Our society has fed me with lies that I find submerging from my subconscious....if I give into this TRUTH, I am doing to disservice to myself. I am humbled. When did I start believing the lie that I have to be my own defender, advocate, promoter...worrying about my own needs, wants, dreams, desires...me me me? Instead I am called to die to myself. To be like my Savior who "but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant" (phil 2:7). I am overwhelmed! How will I ever have a servant's heart? How will I ever love like this? Unselfishly? How do I expect to teach my two year old this when there is the same sinfulness in my heart? The Holy Spirit graciously lifts my eyes to the ink that hadn't even dried from a verse I jolted down just minutes before:

"His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence," 1Peter 1:3